Feedback: Is your Brain Tricking You?

Taking control of your feelings and keeping the door open for improvement.

Feb 18, 2024

One of the golden rules for receiving feedback has become a trap. You might ask, “Can you give me an example?” when you receive vague feedback. But are you willing to understand the feedback, or are you using this question as an excuse to dismiss it?

When your brain operates in primitive mode, everything revolves around safety. Negative feedback (or just feedback) could make you feel uncomfortable. And it is something that your brain needs to protect you from.

This essay will help you understand when you're reacting to feedback — even if you don’t know you’re doing it. It offers tips to help you build consciousness and fix any damage that may have already been created.

🔍 Identifying Signs of Reactivity
❤️‍🩹 Addressing Your Defensive Behavior
- Expanding Self-Awareness
- Developing Emotional Maturity
- Splitting Who You Are from the Feedback You Receive
📭 Keeping the Feedback Line Open
- Being the Best Feedback Giver You Can
- Opening Yourself Up to Feedback
- Reconnecting with Lost Feedback Givers
⚔️ A Few Words About… Origins of Defensive Reactions

🔍 Identifying Signs of Reactivity

There are many different ways to react poorly to feedback. If you don’t have a high level of self-awareness, you might miss some signs. But people may notice them and feel discouraged from giving you feedback again. When this happens, a wall starts being built between you and those around you. Reactiveness only prevents you from connecting with others and delays your growth.

Intimidating body language. The way your body moves and reacts often communicates more than your words. For example, staring too much, crossing your arms, or heavily sighing can intimidate others.
Explaining feedback. The feeling of belonging is a basic human need. Being part of social groups is vital for a fulfilling life. When someone in the group gives you feedback, it might make you scared of being left out. So, you might feel like you need to explain yourself. Not necessarily because you disagree but because you want to fit in.
Asking questions without thinking. If you ask for examples without thinking about what was said, you might be reacting to feedback. When you genuinely want to understand something, you express curiosity and excitement. It usually takes at least a few minutes.
Being biased about the person giving feedback. Feedback is easier to accept when you trust and believe in the person giving it. If you have a bias against them, you might ignore what they say, even if it's helpful. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they don't have valuable things to share.
Looking for hidden messages. Your brain always looks for ways to make you comfortable. It doesn't matter if it is real; it just needs to seem reasonable. Trying to interpret what people meant instead of focusing on what they said can be a sign of it. Remember, it can be a big source of misunderstandings.

❤️‍🩹 Addressing Your Defensive Behavior

Addressing defensive behavior is crucial for your growth. When you notice you're feeling defensive, take it as an opportunity to react better. Focus on being open, keeping a growing mindset, and staying strong when facing criticism.

Expanding Self-Awareness

Appreciating feedback doesn't mean you will never react to it. Sometimes, people give feedback in a way that isn't helpful. It can trigger your defense mode, and you might not even realize it. Developing self-awareness can help you recognize when you're reacting defensively. Here are some simple suggestions to achieve it.

Clean your mind. Meditation improves your awareness. But you don't need anything fancy. Taking a moment to pause and reflect might be enough. You can also do simple activities like washing dishes, gardening, or watching TV shows.
Keep a journal. Don't focus too much on what happens; instead, on how you feel. If something annoys you or makes you happy, write a few notes. It helps you to acknowledge your feelings.
Check your hypothesis with trusted people. To be aware of how you come across to others, you must rely on your peers, friends, and mentors. Who you believe you are does not always match how you behave. Let people know your fears and insecurities. And validate if they see things as you do.
Consider therapy. Therapy isn't just for tough times. It can help you understand yourself better and learn new ways to handle situations.
Try psychometric tests. Tests like Myers-Briggs or DISC can help you learn more about yourself. They give you a report about your behavior traits based on your answers to questions. CliftonStrengths and Predictive Index are other examples.

Developing Emotional Maturity

Mastering your emotions based on what's happening can help you handle tough feedback. When you're emotionally mature, you can think clearly about situations and not react impulsively. This skill lets you notice small feelings that you might usually ignore. As a result, it can stop you from feeling too stressed or upset when things get difficult.

As you may notice, self-awareness is really important for becoming emotionally mature. But there are other things you must do to get better at it.

Face reality. Take ownership of your reality and acknowledge it. Reality is not affected or influenced by what you think about it. Focus on what you can change instead of dwelling on what you can't. Recognizing when things are beyond your control is important to keep healthy. It isn't about accepting everything but seeing where and how you can be successful.
Stick to your values. Stay true to your principles. It might help you to decide when to sacrifice short-term wishes for long-term benefits.
Set life goals. Having clear goals gives you something to work toward. Even if you fail, it keeps you motivated and gives you the energy to persevere.
Take responsibility. Own up to your mistakes. It helps you to learn and grow as an individual. Learning from them is crucial for your growth. Sometimes, you might avoid it because you don't have a choice that makes you comfortable. But you're always in charge of your decisions and actions — no matter the situation.
Delay Instant Gratification. Success often requires sacrificing immediate pleasure. You must be able to tolerate some level of discomfort to succeed in life. Self-control, patience, persistence, and effort are the key.

Splitting Who You Are from the Feedback You Receive

The feedback you get isn't about judging you as a person. It's just input to help you do better. If you switch your mindset and consider it an opportunity to grow, you'll be more open to hearing how you can improve without fear of making mistakes.

Even though it's not easy, being ready to listen to feedback can make a big difference in your personal and work life. Getting fearful about feedback only adds stress and stops you from learning important things.

📭 Keeping the Feedback Line Open

Open communication is the best alternative to promote a relationship where feedback flows both ways regularly. If you didn't react well to feedback in the past, not everything is lost. You can still make it work. Of course, fixing relationships is harder than building them from scratch.

Being the Best Feedback Giver You Can

When you hold something for too long, you forget what happened but never how you feel. The same happens to others. Change this behavior and give people feedback as soon as possible, when things are still small.

Being the best giver is also about being a good receiver. But this topic deserves an article on its own. Here are some things you can apply immediately.

Give feedback as soon as possible.
Understand how people prefer to receive feedback (and follow it).
Be direct; don’t sugar-coat reality.
You don’t need to provide solutions, but you can if they want it.
Put yourself on their feet.

Opening Yourself Up to Feedback

Being open to feedback doesn't mean saying it to yourself and thinking you already are. You must talk to others about it. Human brains fill gaps. There's nothing you can do to change it. It is how brains work. Depending on your culture, when the topic is feedback, people might think you're not open if you don't talk about it explicitly. So, ensure you will close this gap.

Align about feedback in 1:1s. When you meet with a new teammate, talk about feedback right away. Let them know you value it and ask how they feel about it. Remind people occasionally that you're open to hearing their thoughts.
Provide appreciation when receiving feedback. Even if it's not perfect, thank people for taking the time to give it. You can figure out how to make it more helpful later.
Own your mistakes. It shows you're open to feedback and willing to improve. People will appreciate your effort — and probably be motivated to provide you with more feedback.
Follow up on feedback. When people give feedback, they usually expect some output. Take some time to reflect. If there's nothing you can change, explain why. Showing people the big picture can clear misunderstandings. If you realize you need to improve on something, do it. Acting is the best output you can provide.

Reconnecting with Lost Feedback Givers

Creating space for people to speak up is always good, but it is crucial when they are less experienced than you. You can do this by talking about team challenges or technical solutions in team meetings or 1:1s.

Rebuilding trust can be tough. Let them know you're open to feedback and acknowledge their previous efforts. Start by asking for feedback on something specific. When they know what to focus on, they can give helpful insights. As you’re already focused on it, they'll notice changes sooner. It shows how you value their input and that they no longer need to fear your reactiveness.

Don't forget to ask if they want feedback and how they prefer to receive it. When the time comes, give it to them.

⚔️ A Few Words About… Origins of Defensive Reactions

Research from Experimental Social Psychology (ESP) shows that who gives feedback and what they say can affect how you react. If someone in your group gives you feedback, you might feel more upset than if it came from someone outside the group. Also, hearing feedback about your behavior rather than your skills can be harder to handle. It might make you less motivated to listen or improve.

Knowing human reactions to emotions can help you both ways, giving or receiving feedback. Defensiveness isn't just a random reaction — it has scientific reasons behind it.

📝 Related Content You Might Like

I enjoy reading content related to my writing topics, and I've shared some of my favorites below. They offer valuable insights into giving feedback effectively.

Giving Feedback: Dealing with Defensiveness by Rebecca Zucker. According to Rebecca, the desire to avoid conflict stops many people from giving feedback. She details steps to follow when providing feedback to avoid defensive reactions.
Strategy, not self-expression: How to decide what to say when giving feedback by Wes Kao. Wes explores the reasons why traditional ways of giving feedback fail. Everything is about not triggering defensiveness. She says one needs to be strategic in providing feedback. I couldn’t agree more.
Engineers’ Guide to Feedback by Nicola Ballotta. Learn how you can provide effective feedback with Nicola's framework.

That's all for today! 👋

In my next essay, I'll talk about how to get useful feedback that helps you improve instead of vague feedback that's hard to act on.

I like getting feedback and connecting with people. Feel free to reach out – I'd love to hear from you!

If you have suggestions for future posts, they are also welcome.

See you next time :)